ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I looked at my own cervix.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
