Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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