Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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