On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
