dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
