I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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