remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
