Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Michael Bay diarrhea
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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