I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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