Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
