I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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