Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
