I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
