Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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