My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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