Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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