Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
