genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The feeling are messing with the penis
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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