Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
