Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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