Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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