Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
