mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
