I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
