When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
