i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
