My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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