They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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