I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
