its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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