Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
