im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
did you just send me my own nude
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
