Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
