so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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