Where did you get a picture of my penis
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
