i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
