Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
