Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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