my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
