I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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