if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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