That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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