Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
