My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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