She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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