I just threw up on my dentist
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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