Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
