dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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