i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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