If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
