im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
