Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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