he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
